Disclosure

What I write on this blog are not works of fiction. Should I ever decide to do so I will note it as such.  It is snippet's of my life story told as I remember living it.  There are some among my family members who will swear on the Bible that some of these events never happened.  A few will tell you I can’t help but exaggerate or embellish and everything I say should be taken with a box full of salt.  There are some of my siblings who would, if asked, willingly add their stories to mine and even I would be shocked by how much of our shared lives I was completely unaware of, or perhaps still simply refuse to remember.  

I thought I had done a decent job of burying most of my past life, and my unpleasant dreams until I was diagnosed with cancer in 2011.  Then, all my demons returned.  Undoubtedly caused by the emotional strain the cancer treatments put on both my body and my marriage.  That is when I started to write my autobiography.  Excerpts of which I am posting here for feedback. 

“Why am I writing this book?” is a question I still struggle with.  But, the best answer I can give is that I hope by doing so I would, once and for all, merge the events of my dreams into the Swiss cheese holes in my conscious memory; thereby banishing the fitful and sometimes nightmarish dreams that still haunt my sleep.

I am a coward where conflict is concerned so that is why I started "Kranky Granny".  It is the only way I can be assured the feelings of everyone I write about will be protected and that I will not find myself in a courtroom or banished from all future family functions.   To date I have only used the real names of people I have written about  if I know that they would not be angered or embarrassed by my writings.  I have and will continue to make the subjects of my tales anonymous where possible.  Occasionally, where a name is necessary  I may use a pseudonym for someone in one of my stories.  Any resemblance the names I've chosen for my characters may have to any living or deceased person is purely just dumb luck.  I assure you I will not choose names of people have a memory of ever having met.      

Past Meets Present

This was posted to my Facebook a few days ago and it has had me thinking ever since.     Yes, I think I am all the things it mentions but it saddens me more than anything.  

It has taken several days of thought to understand why I was saddened by this meme, cartoon or whatever you call it.  I now realize that it saddens me because both my husband and I  lived probably three-quarters of our lives in family situations that were far from perfect.  Each of us had a childhood that left us scared.  Then, we each allowed our destructive past to lead us into marriages that just continued to degrade us and keep us from building our self-esteem.  

It was only after we each found ourselves alone that we were able to begin to realize our personal worth and rebuild our injured psyche.  

Just over nine years ago we happened to meet on a singles website and took a huge leap of faith by joining our lives in marriage.  These past years (in my opinion)have been the best of our lives intermingled with some of the most painful.      

My husband and I are walking down a path where neither of us fully understand the forces that shaped us during those sixty years of living. Sometimes, we have flashbacks when memories from that past life creep into the present and cause us distress. Our partner was not part of that time and it creates confusion, misunderstandings and occasionally some temper between us. 

We each had another life with people and family, the other didn’t experience.    In some ways, I wish our lives came with a playback button so others could understand our past from our viewpoint.  It would certainly make it easier to be understanding during those moments when our past lives intrude on the present. I guess we just have to realize everyone has their own ghosts and demons they must deal with. It is up to us to be more understanding and not allow their demons to become a personal assault on our own emotions.